This is going to basically be a bitch post, so if you don’t want to hear about my complaints, then move on, but I really need to get this out of my system.
Since I am quickly running out of money, and things are getting tighter and tighter financially I can honestly say that I have been blessed by finding an organization called St. Vincent De Paul that has a food pantry. Occasionally I will go by there and pick up some staples that I need to make it through the month. Since I am still waiting for a determination regarding disability (its been a year and a half) and finding a job with the medical problems that I am experiencing is getting to be unlikely, why hire a 50+ year old who shakes all the time and is constantly having to visit the doctor when you can hire some 20 something that is healthy for less money, I get short of funds quickly.
I was there today, and the place was packed. I asked the gentleman at the desk why they were so busy, and he said it was because it was towards the end of the month, and people have used up their food stamps. I don’t get food stamps, I’m not eligible. Seem that I have too much money to qualify, I never thought $950 a month would be considered too much, especially with the costs of medication and doctors visits, but it is.
I sat for over three hours waiting to be called so that I could pick up the twenty or so items I was allotted. During that time I got to watch mothers scream at their little children. Old people treated as a nuisance by the young and healthy. Ignorant white people muttering under their breath how they hate having to sit with blacks. Blacks muttering how its unfair that they have to wait so long. The list is endless.
Even though I took my morning medication, stuff that is supposed to help me with my problems, I started to have a panic attack. This is something that goes back years, and something that I have not had in years. I suppose it is related to the PTSD, and while I thought it was a thing of the past, I guess it’s not. It got so bad that I was shaking and nearly left. If it wasn’t for the fact that I needed some supplies I probably would have.
During my professional life I have seem some pretty horrific things. Shooting victims and car crashes don’t bother me. It is the abuse of children and the elderly that sends me over the edge. Sitting there, a virtual prisoner of time, having to listen and watch how some people treated their own kids, or how apparently healthy young men want to bully the elderly just about sent me bat shit crazy. There were several people I nearly hit with the foot pegs on the wheelchair. That would not have gone over well, and I probably would have started a riot, so I guess my restraint was a positive.
But having to watch this crap without being able to really do anything myself was damned near impossible. So now I am home, shaking, angry and frustrated by the day’s events. I guess the only solution is to take my meds and lie down for a bit. I’m just grateful for St. Vincent, but I really wish I was healthy again so I could kick some SOB’s ass that truly deserved it.